I’m pregnant!!!
I am pregnant. I tell you what, it
feels weird saying it out loud even now. I have wanted this for such a long time and now my turn was finally here. After years of feeling the heartache, the painful pang in my stomach every time I
saw a pregnancy announcement, a baby or a pregnant woman! And then feeling guilty about the fact I should just feel happy as its amazing for them, it was my turn! I also then felt guilty that other
people were going to look at me and my announcement and probably feel the same way I did. There are SO many emotions involved throughout the process its madness, from realising you want a baby to
having one, and all the steps in between. I felt so happy that morning, like the kind of happy that feels like you will never not feel happy again. I was DESPERATE to tell my sister. I was on a later
shift, so I knew I had a bit of time before I left for work, she wasn’t up yet so I decided to get ready for work and by the time I was ready she would be up, and I would be able to tell her.
Normally her boyfriend is up and out the house before I am even out of bed, so I figured it wouldn’t be long before he left and then I could tell her. But no, it was the one day that neither of them
had appointments first thing, so I was in my room desperately pacing up and down praying he would leave soon so I could tell her. I wanted to tell her before work as we had our cousin coming over
after work and so I wanted to tell her on her own before then! Eventually he left, and I ran into the kitchen and forced her to watch the video of the embryos growing in the dish, she naturally asked
“What’s that?!” so I said, “Your niece or nephew!”. She was VERY confused, I got lots of “What?” “You’re not pregnant now though” and “Go and pee on a stick now!!!”. She was just in her bra and
shorts, so I can’t share the video, but it was funny, she was just bare faced, eating her toast in her bra all confused. And then demanded I go and pee on a stick. She later felt guilty that she
hadn’t had this big excited reaction, but I think it was very natural at this point to be confused because she thought she was coming with me in 3 months’ time!!
My mom had pretty much the same
reaction too, I handed her a box of positive pregnancy tests and she kept asking me what I needed to do with them… I was like, I don’t need to do anything, look at them!! She was so confused, again,
another funny reaction! My brother just kept saying “Fuck off” and “In there?!” and pointing to my tummy! Like yeah... in there! His confusion about how this all worked never got much better, quite a
bit further on in my pregnancy when we were talking about hiccups and that I could feel them, I explained it was caused because the baby had been drinking some of the amniotic fluid, he was very
confused, he seemed to think the womb only gets half full and baby holds their head out of the water to breathe… brilliant, I can just imagine them in their doing some kind of doggy paddle to keep
them afloat for 9 months, and having to readjust every time I lay down or rolled over. Maybe with some little arm bands or something for the more nervous swimmers…
I AM PREGNANT AAHHHH!! I could not
actually believe it, it took a really long time to feel real, I still have to pinch myself now sometimes, I just kept feeling like it was too good to be true, this is me, surely something is going to
go wrong. Again, I still feel like that now sometimes. And I think you just have to face the fact that you are never going to be fully comfortable and confident when you are pregnant, you are pretty
much scared the whole time, maybe not all day every day but probably a lot of the time. You just read so much about what can go wrong. I found myself over thinking about every possible eventuality;
What about if someone bumps into me? What about if I am in an accident? What about if I push too hard when I poop, will it fall out?! Every single time I go for a wee, I look for blood when I wipe,
every single time. And that’s a lot when you’re preggo, believe me! I know it sounds a bit morbid and a bit sad, but I genuinely expected my baby wouldn’t make it. I expected something to go wrong, I
still do, every day is scary. I expected it to be too good to be true! To be completely honest, the worrying doesn’t get any less as you go on, yes when you get past the dreaded 12-week mark, you do
breathe a small sigh of relief, until somebody kindly tells you about the horrific miscarriage their friend had at 22 weeks – and then you worry all over again. From what people say, you don’t worry
any less when they arrive either!
I had also convinced myself that I
would go for the scan and there would be nothing there, or that if there was, there would be no heartbeat. My best mate had recently gone through major heartache following on from having a scan and
their little angel having no heartbeat, and I just kept thinking, if this can happen to this gorgeous person and their beautiful family, who are all so healthy and strong and just amazing, it could
definitely happen to me. So, I think I just built it up in my head that it was going to be awful news when I got there. I decided I couldn’t wait 12 weeks, so I booked in a private scan at a
brilliant clinic near me, I would be about 6 weeks when I went. The closer it got, the sicker I felt. Not because I had morning sickness because I didn’t really suffer, I was never sick but just felt
a bit nauseous at times. The only time I have been sick so far is during the 2ndtrimester, I ate an entire bag of white chocolate mini eggs and then threw up – I think it was the over
indulging more than any kind of pregnancy related symptom… The one side effect I did have was the sore boobs, holy mother of God were they sore. So much so that rolling over in bed was waking me up
with the pain, so I went out and bought a sleep bra, the least attractive thing you will ever see, so it’s a good job my sex life was on hold because otherwise I may have permanently put someone off,
but damn is it comfy and effective! Function over fashion for shizzle, I am totally down for a bit of that these days. Plus, if no-one is going to see it then fuck it, only my unfortunate snap chat
friends had the pleasure of seeing me posed in it with sudocream on my spotty chest and face with the caption “draw me like one of your French girls”. Poor bastards.
I turned up at the scan, so nervous I
was sweating, you know the kind of nerves where you get a sweaty ass, not just sweaty palms, YEAH, that level of sweaty. But it was good news, I was 6 weeks 3 days pregnant, just one little bean in
there, so only one of the 2 that got put back stuck, but there it was, a precious little heartbeat. The most beautiful sound. I got quite emotional, my sister didn’t but she isn’t the type to, I
thought my mom would have but she didn’t either – heartless, aren’t they? Especially when I later found out she had cried at the Strictly Come Dancing final but not that the sound of her first
grandchild’s heartbeat. I will give it to her though, Stacey Dooley is pretty special. The scan was just so amazing, I think I became a little addicted to be honest, I went on to have another one at
8+3 with Dad and my sister and another one at 9+3 with my sister, cousin and best mate – it was £50 for the first scan and £40 for every one after that, it gave me the reassurance that everything was
okay and because of how much I had worried about it, it just seemed worth the money to me. The lovely staff that worked at the clinic must have thought I was off my tits, I rocked up with different
people every time I went but I was a bit hooked on seeing that little bean, I could see them moving around, with a heartbeat, just growing away and it was magical. I think I kept going hoping that
each time, at some point, I would maybe start to feel like it was real, and this was actually happening to me. It feels surreal at this time because you can see them moving but can’t feel anything
plus because I didn’t have any major symptoms really and no bump or anything, it was really hard to believe it was true. But it was. I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. The dream was coming
true, I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it wasn’t, I was actually pregnant, and this precious little life was going to be mine, I now had the huge task of growing them for the next
34 or so weeks! Genuinely the best part of being pregnant (apart from growing a human life obvs) is not getting your period!!!! I MEAN GALS, HALLELUIJAH! 9 months off?! Are you kidding! Its fucking
fantastic! And then someone bursts your bubble and tells you that you basically get the most horrendous period of your life after though, to the point where the giant sanny pads aren’t even enough,
like you need an army of them down there… seriously, there is no room for dignity in the pregnancy/birth world.