The Countdown Begins
Flights were booked, car was booked and
we settled on an apartment we liked and booked that. It was one that was recommended by the clinic and they did good prices if you were having treatment through the clinic. It turned out perfectly
actually because it was really local to the town (where the food and bars were!) and about 10/15 minutes to walk to the clinic. The blood results
came back, and they were sent on to the clinic and were all fine, so that was step one done which was great. The next job on the list was to get the medication I needed. This sounds pretty straight
forward, the process is that you get the prescriptions from the clinic and they can either send them over or you can get them from a few places in the UK. In hindsight, I wish I had just paid a
little bit extra and got them shipped but at the time I was trying to be savy, which did not pay off!! Honestly, the attempt to get medication in the UK was probably the most painful part of the
process, I would rather have my eggs collected 5 times over than have to deal with the company I dealt with again. I honestly would just get them from the clinic, even if it meant walking there to
get them myself, although flying there would be easier of course (this was very nearly something my Dad had to do due to the absolute fuckfest of a performance this company put me through. I do
understand that deciphering Spanish prescriptions might not be the easiest but also there was ZERO effort to try and be helpful, I was the go between and it was still impossible, I don’t think any of
the morons they have on the phone could speak proper English enough to understand me, let alone try and have a conversation with someone Spanish (who speaks pretty perfect English to be honest!!).
They never replied to emails, on hold for ages on the phones, just every single thing you can think of for bad customer service, this company does it to perfection! Anyway, it was extremely stressful
because obviously I was on a time frame, I had to get the medication here in time to start the injections before I went. So, I wouldn’t wait to get the medication sorted thinking you have time, they
may fuck up at every possible point in the process and cause more stress than the actual procedures, so my advice, get them from the clinic! If you can’t, organise it about 5 months in
advance!!
Once I finally managed to sort the
medication out, everything was in place then. This is when I started to get really nervous, not just nervous, like SHITTING MYSELF. In equal parts of “What if this works?!” “What if it doesn’t
work?!”. I really started to question if I was strong enough to do this by myself. I knew I could be a good mom, it wasn’t just about that, it was about the fact that this tiny human would
completely depends on everything from me. I could be a good mom as in, I could teach them manners and take them swimming etc but I was so scared that it was solely on me. When you have a partner, at
least there’s someone else to blame if they turn out to be a little shit! But no, if they turn out to be a horrible human, its all on me! I can’t be the only woman in the world that worries about
having a little shitbag of a kid, one of the biggest fears for me was people not liking my child or not wanting to be around them. I have been lucky enough to grow up with some amazing parents around
me and so I have mostly been surrounded by lovely children, but honestly, when you do get one that’s always whiney (not just moaning but that REALLY annoying voice kind of whine – I can’t deal.) or
one that’s a massive cry baby and cries every time someone breathes near them. Or the worst ones, that are just brats. You know the ones. Seriously don’t have the patience for that kind of shit. I
will be one of those moms that’s like “Pull your shit together Sid.” Not sure why Sid, to be fair if he was a whiney brat, I could probably forgive him, poor kid never had a chance with a name like
that. While were talking children’s names, Katie Hopkins is a twat – that’s all.
The other massive fear I had that went
over and over in my head at this stage was if I was selfish for doing this. I was attempting to knowingly bring a child into this world without a father, what affect would that have on them? I
re-assured myself with the fact that there are tonnes of dead beat Dads that could have a worse impact, there are Dads that do a runner before bubba is even here or even when they are here (I mean,
how you could ever not want to be around to see your kid grow up, I just do not know…). There are couples that break up and kids are in the middle and use the kids against each other, is that worse?!
I feel like having no Dad can’t be any worse than having a really shitty one, but what the fudge do I know?! I don’t know the answers to any of these questions so sorry if you thought I was going to
be some fountain of knowledge on all things about being baby daddy free. I also take comfort in the fact that I am surrounded by so many amazing men, be it my Dad, my Grandad, my brother, my cousins,
my friends, my baby will not go without amazing male figures to look up to! I don’t know what impact it will have to be honest, all I know is that I plan on being as open about everything as I can.
Some people chose not to, about any part of IVF and that’s fine too, I respect that and each to their own, but I want my bubs growing up knowing that there is a great man out there who did something
wonderful (not very glamourous, but wonderful all the same) so that I could bring them into the world. I want them to know that I wanted to meet them so badly I just couldn’t wait and had to just go
and do what I did. I think for me, or when you have IVF, or even when you start trying, you get mom guilt before you’ve even gotten pregnant! It’s madness, its just like all of a sudden you feel
guilty about every single decision you make. I still worry about a lot of these things today but I think I have gotten over the “shit the bed” phase to a more manageable kind of worry. I just hope my
bubba knows that I will do my best to be both parents, I mean let’s face it, I am definitely more man than some of the men I have dated (one man I dated, arsehole.)
Ok, so one thing that I did at this
stage which was SUPER amazing was read Happy Mum Happy Baby. I kinda have a bit of a crush on Gi Fletcher, I think she’s awesome. I watch her stories on Instagram all of the time, she is so down to
earth and real, some days she is all glam for a shoot or interview or filming or something but most of the time she is just in her comfies, hair tied back and just doesn’t give a shit. I love it.
She’s real and relatable and reading her book made me feel like I can do this. Am I going to be a great mom every day of my life, absolutely not, some days I am going to have off days, some days its
going to be all a bit too much and ill have a little cry about it but that’s fine, and its ok to not be 100% bloody perfect all the time because we are humans!! No-one expects us to be perfect all
the time before we become moms, so why all of a sudden all this pressure when we do! I haven’t even popped little bean out yet and I am already feeling the pressure and the mom guilt, god knows how
much that then amplifies when they arrive!! Genuinely, if you haven’t read the book or listened to the podcasts for Happy Mum Happy Baby, go and do it now. I mean it, right now! You won’t regret it.
(Am I supposed to do one of those #NotAnAd things like the celebs do when they endorse something they aren’t paid for?!)
