This week I am going to share 2 more stories with you from ladies who have gone through IVF and the struggles they faced;
Claire
Claire already had a son, age 7, when she met her partner. In July 2013 Claire was looking at holidays with her mum to take her son away so she put a post on Facebook asking for recommendations of holiday's in Spain and a nice gentleman replied, she found out he lived in Spain and they started chatting! A few months later, around October time, she decided to take herself with her son and off they went to Spain! She tells me her story.
“We had a fab week away, in Benidorm of all places!! That was the October and then that Christmas he came over for a week. He got all the way to the plane and decided he didn’t want to go back to Spain and wanted to be with me, that was 5 and a half years ago now. We decided we wanted children but didn’t want to put too much pressure on, so we were “not, not trying” but nothing was happening so knew something wasn't right. We went on “not, not trying” but the following Christmas, when nothing had happened still, we went to the doctors. And that’s when they referred us to the clinic. We found out he had low sperm count and low motility. He was embarrassed and still doesn't really like me telling people we needed IVF, sometimes because we are the ones as women who have to get pregnant, we forget the impact this can have on the men in our lives too. Not for one minute did I think it wouldn't work first time, I just thought it would be simple now we knew what was wrong. But the 1st ICSI transfer, we only got 2 embryos, none to freeze so we decided to have both transferred, but we got a big fat negative. We were heartbroken. It hadn’t been this difficult the first time round and with the embryos being fertilised, I knew that it can’t have been the sperm. We waited a few months before we did the 2nd round because it just takes so much out of you, not just mentally but physically too, unless you have been through it, it’s really hard to understand just how difficult it is. With our 2nd ICSI cycle we got a few more embryos, 5 little babies all ready for us. We had the best one transferred which meant 4 to freeze! And our lovely son will be 3 in August! We did go on to have a 3rd cycle with our frozen eggs, we had one thawed which didn’t survive so we had the 2nd one transferred who is now a sleepy 6-month-old daughter. Both of my babies were conceived on the same day but born 2.4 years apart, it’s amazing! The things science can do these days just blows my mind!
The two we had left we had to take them out of storage, as we didn't want to spend thousands more trying when three is enough and we are so happy with the 3 gorgeous ones we have. If it happened naturally, we wouldn’t mind one bit, but it is just the expense! It would mean a car change, bigger house and just everything that comes with having more babies. Secretly, I would love it though!!”
Another amazing story Claire, love how your story ended, well done for being brave enough to get through it all, look at the beautiful reward you now have! Thank you so much for sharing!
Tracy
Tracy and her hubby first got together in the summer of 69, just kidding, 2012. Couldn’t resist.
By May 2013 they had purchased their first home together and were already talking about babies. She’s 35 now, he’s 36 and they both said they would like 3 children so even then it seemed like time was getting on. They started trying in 2013, they didn’t really think much of it at first, it was fun (😉) and exciting to be trying and although they were disappointed each month, Tracy said she would justify it to herself with things like, “Well we didn’t try THAT hard this month because of x, y or z.”
The lovely couple then got engaged in Oct 2013 and started wedding planning and the whole trying to conceive thing just bundled along in the background. They moved to a new house and then got married in April 2015 and everyone said, ‘Oh you’ll come back off honeymoon pregnant’. Well that didn’t happen. At this point they decided it might be worth investigating, because time passes so quickly they just didn’t realise how long they had been actively trying. So, Tracy started reading up on fertility, potential issues, special diets, supplements etc and they booked an appointment to see the GP. Tracy tells me her story;
“We were referred for some investigations which actually took until 2016 to get started. A big thing for me was the added pressure and feeling like a failure. I worked in a fairly senior management position at the time and had done since I met Ben. We had lots of tests through 2016 including a HyCoSy (Hystero Contract Sonography – which is intended to diagnose any structural defects of the female reproductive system, such as any fallopian tube blockages etc) as I have a lot of anxieties and refused a laparoscopy unless absolutely necessary. None of the tests showed anything was abnormal with either of us - we were unexplained infertility. That just made me feel even more like a failure - why wasn’t my body doing what it was supposed to?! I couldn’t stand the fact that there was no answer. Nothing we could do. At least if you find out something is wrong there might be a way to fix it but fundamentally I just felt like I was failing at something my body should be designed to do!
We ended up then seeing a consultant who suggested IVF was the next logical step. So, we applied for NHS funding as we met the criteria and we received this in December 2016. Life changed fairly dramatically at that point. We had decided that to give us the best chance of success, I would give up work. So, I went from a 12hr day, ‘can’t switch off’ worker to a housewife in the space of a month. With the upcoming IVF treatment, I stayed positive. I was going to be a mummy, staying relaxed and enjoying life was my ‘job’ right now. At first, it felt like the right thing to do, then you realise it’s not a holiday and all the jobs I wanted to do were done in a week! I felt quite isolated, you don’t realise how much you socialise at work and how much you will miss that human contact! Also, every month I got a negative just felt like a wasted month, like a wasn’t contributing to anything! It was really lonely. I feel really grateful to my hubby that I had that choice, but I had always been so career driven before so it was a we weird adjustment. Our first cycle was in March/April 2017. At every point we were told it’s going great! We ended up getting 34 eggs. Fantastic! Then the next day we were told 27 of them had fertilised and booked in for a day 5 transfer. We were over the moon, bloody hell, 27 of them, brilliant! We heard nothing from then and went along on transfer day expecting to have a football team to put in the freezer only to be told that only 1 embryo had survived. I sobbed! I couldn’t believe we had stupidly been so positive about the whole thing. One embryo wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to go through that fresh cycle process again. I have an extreme fear of vomiting which actually makes even the idea of taking any drug I don’t know, a really stressful experience for me. So, I’d got through it the first time but ended up being overstimulated so on transfer day, I nearly didn’t make it to the hospital I felt so ill still. I just didn’t think I could do it again.
I think it’s fair to say my husband is the optimist in our relationship and he was so excited for test day. Me less so as I had already convinced myself it wasn’t going to work. So, test day came around and we got a big fat negative. We cried, my husband tried to console me but despite it not being either of our ‘fault’ I beat myself up every day. His sperm was fine, so it must be my eggs and that cycle just reinforced that view for me with the lack of embryos that made it. We decided to take some time to regroup, calm down, get some positivity back and then we would try again. Luckily, we had funding for 2 fresh rounds on the NHS. So, life went on, people carried on asking ‘When are you two going to give us babies then?!’ and other such unhelpful comments. I don’t blame people, they don’t think there’s any harm to it, they think they are being friendly and making small talk but to me it was another reason to beat myself up inside - I’m not good enough. Friends during that time had babies and I loved it, I was never upset about seeing pregnant people or my friends and their babies. I was so happy for them I just hoped that one day that I’d get a turn.
Then in July 2017 something unexpected happened, I was talking to a friend over lunch and said to her I was really fed up because I was due period and it was late, and I was feeling a bit crappy just waiting for it. She asked how many days and I realised it was actually nearly a week. We had been having a trying break, not using any protection but not putting so much pressure on ourselves whilst we regrouped so it hadn’t even crossed my mind it might happen!! I got a test and it was positive, I couldn’t believe it!
I phoned me husband at work and told him to pick up more tests on his way home. Still positive. It was a Friday. We spent a blissful weekend talking about baby names and all the other exciting stuff we would now get to do because, we were going to be parents! Then Monday came, and I decided to test again, it was negative. I didn’t understand, genuinely couldn’t fathom it, nothing had happened to make me think something could be wrong, so I booked a doctor appointment. The very next day I bled. And a day after that I was scanned, and they confirmed I had miscarried. We were devastated, it broke us. How was this happening to us? Something we want so badly and comes so easy to others just felt like it was never going to happen for us. It took a whole year for us to even consider getting back on the IVF wagon. I think that was probably the hardest year of our lives. The dealing with getting over a failed cycle, a miscarriage and feeling genuinely so low about it. We even started talking about fostering or adoption.
October 2018, I started second cycle. I had educated myself on potential things that could be changed this time round to improve our results. We had been on a strict Ketogenic diet for 6 months prior, the consultant at clinic had agreed that we needed to try and get better quality and less eggs so suggested they should control the drugs more. It meant more monitoring and scans but that was fine with me. I was also given injections post transfer instead of the dreaded pessaries in case my progesterone was a factor which they considered might be based on my miscarriage. This time round 24 eggs, 16 fertilised, 5 embryos made it to day 5. We were ecstatic. My wish for this round was one to transfer and one to freeze. That way we could have another transfer using our funding and then we would have to reconsider next steps. I kept telling myself it doesn’t matter what the result it because we have those frozen embryos now and that means more chances. 1 in 3 I kept telling myself, so I had 4 more chances after this, so it would be fine. It just meant there was less pressure on me. So, 8 days post transfer I got curious, so I tested. It was positive. I struggled to accept it. I think I’ve got about 20 tests that I took over the next 10 days or so. So now, I’m here. We did it. I’m 34 weeks now and he’s growing nicely, a bit too nicely actually as he’s over 97th percentile but hey, why not have a big one first!!
Pregnancy has been tough for me I won’t lie. I was an anxious mess and still have those days now. I suffered some weird and wonderful first trimester symptoms like anal spasms (not fun at all) but with my phobia, I feel very lucky to have avoided morning sickness! Then at 18wks I was diagnosed with SPD (Symphysis pubis dysfunction – its where your pelvis joints become stiff and move unevenly). It is excruciatingly painful and another reason to beat myself up as it just feels like my body doesn’t like being pregnant. It took 6 weeks seeing a chiropractor twice a week (at £40 a session!!) to get some mobility back and get to the level where I am now which is still not where I want to be but I’m on the final stretch and have accepted there is very little I can do. I can’t go food shopping as I can’t push a trolley. I can’t do the housework as I end up pretty crippled for the next few days. I over do it because I can’t stand my husband having to pick up yet another chore. He works so hard to keep us going and my ‘job’ is housewife, so I should be able to at least do that, and it drives me mad I can’t. But in reality, the last 10wks he has done pretty much everything. He never moans about it, in fact he tells my job now if growing a tiny human and he doesn’t care if that’s the only thing I do every day. He tells me I’m beautiful and doing a great job every day. I have been known to be called quite cold (by people other than my husband) but in reality, I just hide my emotions, I’ve learnt it’s easier to have a secret cry. But with all the pregnancy hormones, yeah that’s not possible! I have cried enough for all the years we tried to conceive probably in the last month alone! I can honestly say that my husband is my absolute rock and I couldn’t have done any of this without him. Well, I could, but I think I’d have given up or be rocking in a corner somewhere a long time ago!!
Another battle I’ve struggled to come to terms with is the fact that I don’t like pregnancy, but I just don’t. I am super excited to meet my little man, but I can honestly say it has been the hardest 7 months of my life so far and the idea of doing it again already fills me with dread. Some people just suit it and I feel like you can’t say you don’t enjoy it, especially when you have tried so hard to get here, it feels like you should just be grateful but it’d bloody hard work!! Just another reason to feel like a failure, but that really has been my story all along. An internal struggle first with myself and now with added little wriggler.”
Tracy, your story has had me tearing up, might just be those
pesky hormones you are talking about, but god you guys have been through a lot, I am so glad you have Ben, he sounds amazing and I am sure a lot of other readers (including me) are very jealous
of what a great man you have yourself there. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me, you’re only a couple of weeks behind me, we may have babies that are birthday buddies!! Good luck with
the next chapter of your story!