So, here I was, after a whirlwind of
shit thinking, “Now what the fuck do I do?!”. I’d gone from literally having my entire life planned out to being back at square one. Starting over. So, I had to really assess exactly what it was I
wanted. I knew I wanted to move out, get the hell out of that flat, so I decided to move back in with my sister while I looked for a house. I was able to buy so I set about having a look for houses I
like, by the way, being in Solihull is SO damn expensive, I did think at one point I would only be able to afford a shed in someone’s garden. I wanted a house but quickly realised this was going to
be out of the question if I wanted to stay local, which I did, more than I wanted a house! So, after much deliberation, the thought of hoovering stairs tipped the scale in favour of a ground floor
maisonette, ground floor being important because I wanted a garden. I had lived in flats for the last 6 odd years and so I felt it was time to have space outside. I think my mind immediately went to
sipping on Pimm’s in the summer out there! So, that was the living situation decided, sounds simple right?! Turned out to be anything but simple, but that’s a story for another day! At that point,
the thought of having a boyfriend was no-where near on the agenda, I had a fleeting thought about seeing if I could give lesbianism a go, but just as I thought, it really isn’t a choice, despite what
some knobheads still think, you either are or aren’t and honestly, each to their own, no judgements here, I just prefer penis!
I was really enjoying work at the time,
I still do, I love my job so that was good, but I felt like I did want something more, something really positive to focus on outside of work (I have no hobbies apart from drinking gin with my
friends!). After having a birthday lunch with my best mate, she spoke about that fact she was joining a network marketing company which was most unlike her (I know what you’re thinking – network
marketing – icky and spammy right?! *cue eye rolls*). But she is an amazing business woman, she already ran 2 of her own businesses and was in the process of setting up a 3rd so I
wondered why she would want to join?! After going into conversation, this wasn’t like your normal network marketing company and to be honest, I think I liked the thought of working with her more than
anything else at that point, so I joined. The reason this is relevant is because at that time, I wanted something positive to focus my efforts on, and whilst putting myself out there and joining a
company like this could have meant I was met with some judgements from people, I found it really wasn’t like that, everyone was so supportive. AND not only do I love the products and company but most
importantly, this work I did on my mindset and being surrounded by all these amazing people just supporting each other (bear in mind most of them complete strangers to me!), it changed my life. At
this point, not only had things gone to shit in my relationships but people I called my friends weren’t being the best either (one still has her knickers in a twist to this day about only being
invited to the evening of the wedding – REALLY?! Even after it was called off and I had my world burnt to a million pieces?! I mean, I should use the term “friend” very loosely in this case because
NO-ONE treats a friend like that, only a drama queen who in true style must make EVERYTHING about them!) So, I massively welcomed the support I got from everyone in the same team as me, it really
boosted me up. I know that sounds cheesy, but with all the shit I had been met with, it was an amazing feeling being surrounded by people who barely knew me but were just desperate to see me succeed
and do anything they could to spur me on, same way as we all still do for each other now, I just love these women – I am cringing myself out saying it like this but they genuinely made
that time easier for me (along with all my friends and family of course!) I honestly accredit the business and how I threw myself into it for dragging me out of that hole. Plus, the extra cash was
going to come in handy...
The one overpowering thought I kept
having throughout all this though, was that I wanted a baby. So much so that seeing people pregnant or with babies would be physically painful, it’s like your ovaries may actually explode. For those
of you who haven’t got to that stage yet, you will 100% know when you are there. It’s like your body just decides, right, baby time! I can’t explain the feeling very well, but it is an uncontrollable
urge and it isn’t just in your head, your body physically yearns for it. You see a baby and it makes you want to cry, like physical tears. Its so overwhelming and not something you can just bury. I
discussed it with my sister and she felt like it was important I had a few months to think on it, enjoy being single and if I still felt the same a few months down the line then look into options.
She was 100% right, I didn’t feel like it at the time, I felt sad that I was having to wait, but she was so right when I look back now (she will love that I just admitted that too!). Even though this
was something I really, so badly wanted, I knew I couldn’t just rush into it, I didn’t want this to be a reaction off the back of what had just happened, like I was trying to fill some kind of void.
This had to be a decision I made when I was mentally and physically ready to take on the challenge of something so huge.
So, I decided I was going to plan
something fun for every month that year, whether that was some kind of holiday, weekend away, a fun event I wanted to go to etc. I was going to turn this year around, I was going to make it a year to
remember for lots of good reasons, not just all the bad ones! So, I went to Gloucester with the college girls, and to Girona with my sister and cousin in March, a Nashville concert in April, London
for my hair care business launch and a weekend in the lake District with the Uni girls in May. A very messy weekend in Alicante with the college girls in June, which involved drinking about 2 and a
half litres of pink gin as pre-drinks in 3 days between 4 of us… I know, you’re impressed right?! And then my sister, a friend of ours and I when to Marbella in
July (when the wedding would have been). It was such a good weekend full of boys, booze and ballers! I came back, and I finally felt like I could breathe properly again, I think I had been dreading
the wedding day coming around so much and now it was over. And that feeling came back again, my mind and my body told me over and over again. Baby. Baby. Baby.
I then started considering my
options, I could wait and go down the “normal route”, see if I meet anyone else, but the thought still made me feel sick. Whilst I felt like I was in a better place and I was feeling good, I
didn’t feel ready to have any kind of relationship. Plus, I kept thinking, even if I did meet someone now, what’s the chance of them being “the one”? What’s the chances of him also wanting the
same things? And even if he was the one, and he did want the same things, we weren’t going to just jump in bed and start making babies straight away – although I am sure that would have been a
more fun way to get pregnant! We would want to know each other, live together and all of that would take time. And the fact is, he could then still turn out to be a douchebag (see former break up
post!) and I just didn’t want to wait, what that life would have given me, a family together, just didn’t seem worth the wait.
I
ended up speaking to the hospital in Birmingham where I had treatment and where my ex and I had been discussing our IVF and they advised me that now we had split up, I had to be single for 2
years before I would qualify for treatment on the NHS, obviously I would have had to pay for the sperm donor but still, 2 years to get the free treatment I wanted. Bear in mind also, I had been
going to them about my fertility issues and discussing my desire to have a baby and my options for probably 5 years at that point – the system is mental!!
Anyway, again I decided, I didn’t
want to wait for that long, I was nearly 30 which I know isn’t old, and I knew I still had time, but I would have had kids early 20s if I had my way, I was just SO ready for it, this is what I
planned for my life and for that year the rug just got ripped from underneath me. So, it was time to just take matters in to my own hands.
I did keep thinking and
occasionally do now still, would I prefer a family together in a more traditional manner, maybe yes, but realistically, is that the life I would have had anyway?! How many couples break up these
days, get divorced, have to share custody – it begs the question, is 2 parents constantly fighting, bickering and using children as a bloody bargaining chip more damaging than only having 1
parent in the first place? I don’t know the answer but, in my mind, I thought, I know I can provide enough love, support, attention and stability on my own, so surely it couldn’t be any worse! I
didn’t have any doubts that I could do it by myself (those nice petrifying thoughts came a bit later!), I knew I could support myself and do it all alone, but I am also extremely lucky to have
the most amazing network around me of family and friends that would help me. I mean, ultimately no matter how many friends and family I have, I would be the one sat feeding in the middle of the
night on my own, so it was a big decision, but to be honest by that point, I had already decided I was going to go for it!
Later came the doubts, albeit
fleeting (at this point anyway!) they were powerful! What will people think? What will they say? Will they be approving? Think I am brave or stupid? Will they think I am some kind of absolute
weirdo who can’t get a boyfriend so has to get a sperm donor? All those fears of being the odd one out, came rushing back from school, you know where you couldn’t find the Jane Norman bag to
bring your PE kit in (JD drawstring bag if you were a lad!), so pure panic would set in thinking you were going to become kind of social outcast because you were bringing it in in a Tesco’s bag
instead – OH THE SHAME! Yeah so, kind of felt like that all over again! If you are over the age of like 35 or under the age of 20 you probably have no idea what I am talking about, but you get
the picture!
I remember thinking where the fudge
do I even start? I did a couple of google searches, asked people I knew who had had IVF for advice, but still felt very limited on the information I could find. It was such a big decision, like,
which clinic is going to be the best at sucking my eggs out and sticking them back in fertilised?! How the hell do you know that?! What do you even look for in the criteria, I highly doubt they
have reviews on Trip Advisor for this kind of thing!! I knew someone who had had IVF in Spain, so I started googling clinics in Spain. I can’t quite work out why I decided to go abroad rather
than in the UK, I just heard so many better things about being aboard for it. There were higher success rates, it was cheaper, and I had read somewhere that there were different laws around the
donor being able to contact the child if they ever wished to, so early on, I decided abroad was going to be my choice. So, during my google searches, I came across my clinic in Northern Spain.
Again, not really sure why I settled on this clinic, but something just felt right about it, and if I have learned anything about going through all this, you sometimes just have to go with your
gut! So, I emailed the clinic to get some more information! This was it, it was happening. It may have been the hardest decision I had to make so far, but really, the journey hadn’t even really
begun yet!
Once the decision had been made I
started to feel really grateful, for everything that had happened, every wrong turn, every dead end, every bump in the road, because it had led me to this very moment. I am so proud of myself for
not only having gone through what I went through and got through it, but with how I handled it. I felt stronger and braver than ever and it was almost like I had finally found exactly where I
wanted to be. One of those “halleluiah” moments, I don’t think I realised quite how lost I had been until I realised how it felt to find myself and my path. PROPER FUCKING HIPPY MOMENT and I
loved it!!
