This is genuinely one of the
hardestthings to write about, writing it all down has been a kind of therapy I guess…as you’ve probably gathered by now, I am not like most “normal” girls. The normal girls who cry, eat ice cream and
post passive aggressive quotes on their Instagram followed by all this “new me” shit where they post pictures of themselves caked in make up in a feeble attempt to desperately grab the attention of
their former mate whilst, in reality, he’s already shagging Becky (with the good hair) and has long forgotten about them. Whilst I did indulge in the occasional passive aggressive quote and
definitely allowed myself one day on the sofa crying watching Grey’s Anatomy and only eating cheese strings, in the main, I did alright I reckon. When we officially broke up, it was actually a bit of
a relief, he had kept me hanging for 6 weeks while he made up his mind if he wanted to be with me. Those few weeks were genuinely the worst and hardest, I felt constantly sick, constantly tired but
couldn’t sleep, I was genuinely broken. He called the wedding off out of nowhere and said he didn’t want to be with me, then that night get into bed with me and kiss me. Then come home the next day
and say he made a mistake. Then change his mind again the week after. He was an arse that whole time to be honest, he didn’t make any effort to try and give things a go and I was on a shoe string the
whole time just wanting him to love me. Wanting so badly to turn the clocks back a few weeks before when I thought we were so deliriously happy. I still get upset when I look back at that time, it
was hell and still is, so painful to think about. My soul was completely broken, I had never felt more alone in my life, surrounded by people, family, friends, love but yet completely
alone.
So like I said, when we actually
broke-up, I was kind of relieved... I
went back to work after just having the one day on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. I managed to man up and put my big girl pants on and go to work,see family, do all the shizzle people expect you
to do whilst giving you the sympathetic eye – that only makes you feel a bit shitter. At home, in the flat where we had lived together, I was a mess. The kind of mess where just walking
through the door cripples you, I would sit with my back against the closed front door and just sob, like really cry, ugly cry! Not quite Kim Kardashian, but almost! Getting into bed was the worst,
seeing his empty side table and his half of the wardrobe empty, it’s the little things that catch you off guard and just break you down. I remember needing some kind of outlet so I ended up
downloading the Dictaphone app about 10 days after he moved out and recorded a nearly 17-minute voice note talking about how much I loved Giovanna Fletcher (I mean, come on – she’s great!) and that I
was going to document how I got through this time. At that point I was at a real crossroads, and a year later, here I am, 22 weeks pregnant, seriously, if you are ever feeling shitty, just think
about what a difference a year makes when you put your mind to your big goals!
Seriously though, that
ringissoincredibly beautiful, is it okay that I miss that more than I ever miss him?! 😂
But when I listen back to those
voice notes, there is one, on the day I had to buy the rest of my wedding dress, bloody £700, I literally sound broken. When I listen back to it now, it doesn’t even sound like me, don’t get me
wrong, I still have my off days, but I feel like a totally different person now. We were building the whole foundation of our life and he had torn it down, so I was bound to be bit off (major
understatement!) but you don’t just miss that person, you also grieve a life you now aren’t going to have. I would look around the flat and all I see would see was his ghost everywhere, on the
sofa snoring, that used to drive me mad, but I’d have given anything to hear him on that sofa back then. Or in the shower when I was in there and he would come in and talk to me, in the kitchen
making a cup of tea and raiding the biscuit tin, that flat was such a beautiful little bubble for us but it just felt horrible without him there. It took 2 months to give notice and get
everything sorted which I was so mixed about that day I moved out. It felt like it was a new chapter and a fresh start but was really quite difficult shutting the door and leaving it all
behind, it felt really truly over.
I remember being so jealous of how
other people were doing in their relationships and I didn’t like that part of me, I should be confident enough in myself not to feel that way about people, it’s not that I wished anything bad on
anyone else, I just wished I was doing as well as them. And at that time, I quantified happiness by being in a happy relationship and I just didn’t like myself for that. You go through these
phases in a break up don’t you, of like denial, upset, anger, completely broken, self-conscious – why wasn’t I enough? What changed? Did I do something wrong? In reality, I am more than enough,
nothing changed and I didn’t do anything wrong but it’s only when you come out the other side you realise its actually the opposite, you were too good and only someone not good enough for you
would ever treat you that badly!
I
think after we broke up, i expected so much more from him and it was only as it went on that I realised I wasn’t ever going to get the respect I deserved, he was a good guy at heart, but I built
up in my head he would go about things in a different way than he did. I text him 2 days before the wedding was due, and I think that was probably one of the final straws for me, he pretended he
didn’t even know what day was coming up. All I wanted was him to understand what I was going through, surely, he was in the same boat, he was the only person who could have possibly understood?
But he wasn’t, he was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, I think he thought it was all a bit of a game and that I should be “over it”, I still don’t think to this day that he
understands quite what he did. Does he understand the reason why what happened, happened? Does he even know what changed? Why all of a sudden out of nowhere he didn’t wanna go ahead with our
Wedding and life plans anymore? I still have SO many questions, I would love to understand and in my head, he would be an adult and apologise and explain but in reality it really wouldn’t go like
that because firstly, I don’t even know what answers I want and secondly because I don’t think he understands himself enough to give me those answers.
You would think after everything,
hewould just be a man and behave like a normal adult, but I still get shit from his “lot” now, he still hasn’t paid me back money he owes me and its actually ended up going to court. It’s really
bloody sad because if I know him (I am not sure I do now to be honest, but I would like to think the part of him I knew is still in there somewhere) he wouldn’t have wanted it to get to this point
asmuch as I didn’t, so it just breaks my heart that he has let it come to this. And I get so much stick that I really don’t think I deserve from him and “them”. I have gone over and over it in my
head,when someone and their family and “friends” (ex’s) are so horrible about you it does make you question if you’re right, did it all go as you think... I know my family and friends know the
details and they tell me it’s not my fault and that these people are bitter and nasty pieces of work but when they are so vindictive and persistent (bare in mind we are well over a year on now from
the break up) it really does make you question yourself and the situation. Am I this horrible person they make me out to be? Is the fact it has ended up in court my fault? Did we move too fast and
was that on me? But the answers are all no, these are just the thoughts that creep into my head on my off days, on 99% of the days, I know that I did everything I could to make the relationship work,
I did everything I could to make the break up as easy as possible on both of us (as did he at the start really...) and I know I did everything I could to keep us away from court, but in the end, he
made it’s so damn difficult, I just had no choice. I had to give up on him, and any belief I had that he would do the right thing, because there is only so much you can do for people before they have
to help themselves. It really doesn’t make the heartache any easier though unfortunately.
I don’t know if he will ever see this
or read it but if he did, I’d want him to know that I loved him, so much, more than I have ever loved anyone and I would have been a great wife and mother to his children. I would have fought for us,
I would have been loyal, and I would have helped build a great life for us both and I would have worked damn hard for him. But ultimately, that was the issue, I was always willing to do better, fight
harder, be stronger to make it work, and he just wasn’t. He led me on, led me to believe this life was ours and promised me this life we dreamt of together. He seems to blame me for a lot ofthings
for some reason, but there’s something to be said about that. Guilt. Someone who is guilty and can’t stand the feeling of knowing what they have done will always try and pass it off as someone
else’s fault. Ultimately, he is the one who went and asked my Dad’s permission, he is the one who went and got a ring, he is the one who got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, no one else.
No-one forced him, no one told him what to do, no one held a gun to his dumb ass head. He needs to strap on a pair of balls and take responsibility for the things he did and the way he behaved, it’s
the only way he will ever be able to truly grow and change his ways. And anyway, if he never wants to get married, he maybe needs to stop asking people?! 🤷🏼♀️ just an idea..
With all that said, I wouldn’t
change a thing as it’s lead me to where I am today and led me on to my next chapter (stay tuned 😉)! And I am stronger, smarter and better for it all! I will never ever get an apology, so I must
accept that unfortunately some people do some not very nice things sometimes and move on with my life. I hope one day he does release what he has done and will change his behaviour, but I think
that’s a distant dream considering I was the 2nd victim he did the exact same thing to and I am sure there will be others (he must just like ring shopping maybe?!). But you can be
damn sure unlike his first ex-fiancé, I will not go crawling back! HELL NO! BYE FELICIA!
