Expectation Vs Reality

How about the fourth trimester, aye?! To be honest, I had never heard of such a thing… until NOW! I mean Jesus Christ. Those first 3 months are bloody hard work. I have only just come out the other side of it. Eden is 14 weeks old now and I am still reeling from the whirlwind of the last 3 months! Before we get on to that, I just want to wrap up from labour. Someone asked me what my expectations of labour were vs the reality of what it was actually like, so I thought I would do a little list for you all. Sorry if you’re not prepared for what’s to come, it might be a little brutal so, maybe read it after you’ve finished your omelette!

One thing I did keep saying before I gave birth was that I wasn’t scared and was actually really looking forward to experiencing labour, my phrase exactly was “Millions of women do it and our bodies are designed for it.” Which is true to be fair, but I was really blasé about the whole thing, in hind sight, that was a good thing because I know for a fine fact that next time round, now I know what’s coming, I will not be so calm. So, ladies, if you are yet to experience the delight of labour, please bathe in your ignorant bliss while you still can and maybe skip the next bit. Am I even allowed to say ladies anymore? Someone won’t get offended, will they?

So here goes;

Expectation – I will start getting contractions in the night, it will be nice and calm and I will have a hot bath and relax and then when things ramp up, Holly and my Mom will come over and we will have a nice cup of tea and sort the hospital bag! Maybe my waters will break all over my bed sheets and Mom will strip them and wash them for me like the model mother would – ahh such lovely thoughts.

Reality – Big bertha will stick her fingers so far into my vagina I can practically taste them, to try and bring on labour in the form of a sweep. I will then have a flat tampon thing tucked behind my cervix and then a nice big hook up my vag to break my waters – not so relaxing.

Expectation – I know its going to be painful but it will be manageable and I can get in the water and it will ease the pain. Millions of women do this multiple times, surely if it was that bad they wouldn’t go back and do it again.

Reality – LOL, YOU TWAT!

Expectation – No matter what the pain is like, I will forget all about it when they put my baby on my chest – that’s what everyone says so it must be true!

Reality – Stitches!

Expectation – I need to pack loads of snacks, I am going to be starving – maybe I can sneak a McDonalds in? Everyone must want nugs during labour!

Reality – If anyone mentions food, if I look at food, if I even sniff a jelly baby I am going to throw up in Barbara’s (the midwife) hair!

Expectation – Baby will just latch on straight away so I can start feeding her, breast feeding is the easy option, you just whack your nipple in their mouth, how hard can it be?!

Reality – 24 hours of hand expressing, tears, cracked nipples and absolute agony! Whoever said breastfeeding doesn’t hurt is the mayor of all liars!

Seriously, labour is the most disgusting, painful and beautiful miracle – Its an incredible thing and I will say one thing, WOMEN ARE BADASSES! Legit, so much respect for all women who have given birth, it is no picnic (literally, you don’t want to eat anything!) But it is totally worth it. Straight after I said that I just didn’t know if I could do that again, I think it took about 3 weeks before I came around to the idea of doing it again! Once the stitches had dissolved and I felt like I could sit normally again! It’s definitely not something you forget the second they put the baby on you, I can tell you that much!! Mainly because at that point they still have to stitch you back up! And there’s no sugar coating that! They can’t give you an injection that numbs it all, so they give you one inside which eases the inside stitches but when it gets to the outside, it feels exactly like you would expect it to, someone sewing your vagina back together! At this point I wanted to start letting everyone know she had arrived; I was so excited to tell people that I didn’t think about the fact that I still had my legs in the stirrups and that maybe FaceTiming my Grandparents should wait a few mins! Anyway, so there’s my mom with her phone in my face, my Grandparents smiling back at me all excited and me sucking on the gas and air and trying to flash a smile between each stitch. We FaceTimed my Dad, my Sister, my Grandparents and my Aunty – my Aunty who later told me that my Mom clearly thought she had the video facing her face, when in fact all my Aunty could see was my legs in the stirrups – great!

Right, now on to the baby. OMG she is perfect. I know everyone says this about their child, even you guys who have ugly kids, you still think their beautiful, and that’s okay too, someone’s got to have them, it’s just a shame it was you! But, Eden actually is beautiful, she wasn’t all scrunched up and wrinkly like some babies are, she looked fresh and pink and pretty. She was tiny too, she was born 5lb14 so she was a little dot, all of the clothes I bought for her didn’t fit her, she has only worn the hospital outfit I bought for her the last few weeks and hasn’t grown out of it yet! Crazy! She was like a little doll and everything about her was just amazing, I was totally in love. If I am really honest too, I was worried I wouldn’t get that overwhelming feeling of love, that I wouldn’t get that connection that everyone talks about, but I did. Although I will say, its definitely got stronger as time has moved on. I didn’t feel the way I do now about her at first, I loved her of course and would do anything for her, but now, I have to actively stop myself from squeezing her so tight, from biting her and kissing her to death! I could munch her all day – most days, some days I want to put her out on the door step and hope someone nicks her!

As I had her late on the Friday night, I had to stay in that night, I was so desperate to get home but looking back, those 2 nights I ended up staying in I am really grateful for, I don’t think I would have been able to breastfeed if it wasn’t for the midwives persisting with us, it took 24 hours before she managed to latch on to me and I was SO relieved when she did. Of course, it’s nice to be at home in your own bed, around your own things, without 3 random people also sharing your space and everyone else’s babies waking you up in the night but being able to click a button and have an expert on hand was great actually!

Although I do have to be honest and say the 3 people, I was sharing with might not have been my “type” of people. I had one woman who would pleasantly say something like “Fucking hell, not again!” every time her baby cried – which I admittedly say now under my breath from time to time but maybe don’t say it in public when the poor baby is less than 24 hours old! One who had been there for less than 24 hours since she had her c-section and kept saying “You watch what happens if they don’t let me out today fam, you watch!” Maybe threatening the people that are providing you with the care you and your baby need to stay alive and healthy isn’t the brightest idea, just a thought! And the other lady seemed nice enough to be fair actually, she ended up getting quite poorly and had lots of doctors all the time which was disruptive but it was necessary so it was fine!

On my 2^nd day in hospital, Eden was really kicking off and I was trying to settle her by standing up and rocking her, I had my curtain around the bed closed for reasons previously stated (I was surrounded by chavs!) but for anyone outside the closed curtain, anything could have been happening right? I could have been having a check-up down there, I could have been breast feeding, getting changed, any other private thing that did not need a complete stranger’s input. Wait for this, you wont actually believe it. So there I am, rocking Eden trying to get her to calm down, bare in mind she is 24 hours old, she’s petrified of this new world she’s just come into that is big and bright and cold and I am a new Mom trying to get to grips with the fact I now have a human hanging off my tit most of the day, a broken vagina, I’ve had no sleep because tweedle dumb and tweedle twat have been threatening the midwives or their own children for half the night and some RANDOM Asian woman, not even a patient, opened my curtain! Now, I know what you’re thinking, maybe this woman just assumed her relative or friend was behind said curtain, maybe she just got the wrong bay? NOPE. She had purposely opened my curtain and this is how the conversation went;

Woman (looking at Eden): Is she sick?

Me: No, she’s fine!

Woman: Does she need feeding?

My cousin Hope: SHES FINE!

Me: FUCK OFF (said in my head)

Woman closes curtain and walks off.

Me and Hope just look at each other in complete disbelief. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Who opens someone else’s curtain for a start? I could have had my vag out! And also, why the fuck are you commenting on someone’s parenting skills that you don’t even know!!! Who even has the audacity to do this?! Still can’t believe that actually happened, and if by some weird twist of fate, you, the woman who opened my curtain and questioned my parenting on the first day of me being a Mom, are reading this, I would just like to say, FUCK YOU and your mannerless, rude and damn right intrusive behaviour. Get a fucking grip on your life. That’s all.