Shoutout to my ex’s!

First crush

So, let’s take it right back to the first crush I ever had, if I am honest, I still have a massive crush now, so I won’t make out like it was a childhood thing because I still think he’s fit as fuck. I was SO into this guy, it’s embarrassing actually, he was slightly older than me and because of how I knew him it was kind of off limits which I think made it even worse because you know, thanks to that greedy bitch Eve we all want what we shouldn’t! By the way, off limits in a non-creepy way, we’re not related or anything weird! Plus, it actually probably wasn’t off limits, I just maybe, in my young like 10-year-old brain, thought it was! Anyway, I don’t even think I really knew his personality then, I just thought he was so fit, and he was older so obviously that made him SO COOL. I remember brushing my un-straightened horrifically frizzy hair, putting my groovy girl lip gloss on and that horrible paste like blue eyeshadow that used to stick in the creases of your eyes – thinking I was getting all dolled up and he would notice me, I am sure I looked so grim but hey, we all went through that phase, right?! Apart from the kids these days who can all do their make up better than me even now – it’s not right, when they look back they aren’t going to be embarrassed, it’s like a rite of passage they are going to miss!! It’s a shame I didn’t stick with the good-looking thing because boy oh boy have I been out with some mingers (sorry if any of you are reading this!) but I started well anyway because I KNOW I am not the only one who fancied the pants off this guy. He was one of those people that just had “something about them”. Still does now! Anyway, we had a brief encounter when I was in my 20’s and he agreed there had always kind of been something between us so at least I knew I wasn’t going mad! It never amounted to anything much and so that was that, but to be fair, I still would...

“That” guy

We all know the one, we all date one at some point or another, the one that all our family thinks are an idiot, all our friends think is an idiot and WE know is an idiot, but we still go out with them anyway. The one all EVERYONE completely disagrees with you going out with! You know what it’s like when you’re 19 and think you know it all, “I won’t be one of those girls that actually ends up catching feels” “Nah I don’t mind that its super casual” “Course I know he’s sleeping with her as well, I’m fine with that” YEAH OKAY HUN. Who is that girl man?! Why does she pop up every now and then? She’s a dick! So yeah, we were casual, and I was “cool with that” on and off for a while. You would think the last straw would have been when he answered his phone, you know, half way through, and it was the next girl coming to stay that night, but no I still ended up going back there over the years. Obviously at the time I was friggin’ mortified but now I look back and laugh a bit, like for god’s sake woman, you can’t really blame him (well, you can) but why did you put yourself in that position!!! Probably just excuses as to be fair, he is best friend to a very good friend of mine, but he is actually a good guy, he just likes girls, lots and lots of girls, a lot of the time and in anyway he can possibly get them!! But to be fair, in the most part, I had a good time so, YOLO!

Always

This guy and I had quite a brief “relationship”, I will use the term loosely as we never really got around to the “official” conversation you have to have these days to solidify a relationship, something I find weird. Like surely if you’ve been dating and sleeping together etc, it’s assumed you’re together, but apparently that’s not how it works! We were good friends before anything happened and then one drunken night happened and that was kind of it, we just clicked! It feels really weird when I look back over this time because I always think of him so fondly but actually, it was quite a difficult time. Not just because of what was going on between us, although I am sure that didn’t help but, I just wasn’t in a very good place. I think this is one of the reasons we ended up becoming so close because he really supported me through that time, always had my back, even when I was being a dick or being irrational or a drunken nightmare (something that happened regularly during that time unfortunately!). He is one of those people, a bit like me I think, when he is on your side, he is ON your side. I never have a doubt in my mind still today, if I needed him, he would be there, always. I love this guy so much, but not in a relationship way anymore, but more than just a friend I think, we just have a really strong connection. I find it really hard to explain to people because to be fair, he was a bit of a douche bag when we were “seeing each other”, he is younger than me so he just wanted to have fun and I guess I wanted more, so people find it hard to understand this bond between us but for me, he will always be one of those people I have a connection with. I think in another life, he would have been the right guy for me. 

The fake “one”  

These guys are the worst because you do not see them coming. As you probably have gathered, I have no had all that much experience in relationships, so when this guy came along and pursued me as hard as he did, I thought he must be serious and that maybe this was finally going to happen for me. We didn’t get off to the best start as his previous relationship hadn’t quite finished. According to what he told me it basically was, but it still wasn’t right that we met up. After date 1, I told him I didn’t want to see him again until it was 100% over. He carried on pursuing and pursuing, and I ended up seeing him twice again, which I know is SO wrong, but we were just hooked on each other. It’s not an excuse because there is no excuse, it should never ever have happened that way and I do regret that now. I should have been stronger and told him no, but I wasn’t because the way we bonded so much so soon, it just felt right and I genuinely thought then, he is the one. I also should have realised that maybe that isn’t the type of guy I want to end up with, but I was so bloody blind to it. The start of our relationship probably should have been a big red warning sign, if I was in Of Mice and Men I would be the puppy and he would be Lenny…fore-shadowing the bloody ending where he kills that woman (spoiler alert by the way, but to be fair, if you haven’t seen or read it yet, you probably never will).

Even when he cheated on me just over a month in with his ex, I should have seen it coming and ended it then, but as I said, I was blind to it. There was so much shit going on around that time, his ex was being very abusive and threatening me and her, her mom and her friends were messaging me and my family being abusive, it was INSANE, we had to get the police involved and everything to get her to back off. She forgets that now when she messages me sayin how she walked away with her head held high and her dignity intact – YAH, OK.

Anyway, we got past that and about 2 months in to our relationship, he wanted to come to my fertility appointment with me, I had known for a few years I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) which meant that my ovaries had a lot of cysts all over them, so they didn’t release an egg every month like in a “normal” cycle, meaning I couldn’t get pregnant. I had this appointment booked for ages to discuss what my options would be when I was ready to have a baby. I told him about this so when he wanted to come with me as he said it was “our future” I was in la la land, thinking he’s all in love with me and shit. He was the male version of me in the sense he wanted the exact same things as me and we always talked about what we wanted from the beginning, we were on the exact same wave length. When I look back now, I think previous relationships had been more suited to me personality wise, but we just clicked and felt right straight away because we wanted the same things, he would be lying if he said it was any other way! 

I felt like everything I had ever been waiting for was coming true, this life that I always wanted for myself and always struggled to find. You know, boy meets girl, they move in, get engaged, get married and have babies – happy ever after – like the movies. I forget that in the movies they never show the bit AFTER the couple find each other and fall in love – DUH. Plus, everyone loved him, they knew we were suited and were on the same wavelength so again, I thought it must be right because they disliked everyone else I had ever been with really!! We were together about 9 months when he got down on one knee and we got engaged. We had some pretty big convos about ICSI treatment and the plan was to get married first, what we both wanted and then we would have IVF after the honeymoon. So, I thought it was perfect. Literally in cloud coocoo land!!! I look back now and just feel really stupid that I was bouncing along in this little happy bubble with this huge giant needle ahead about to burst it, but I just couldn’t see past the end of my nose!

We booked and paid 50% of venue, I bought my wedding dress, did the big shop with my mom, sister and cousin and found “the one”, I bought bridesmaid dresses, booked honeymoon, bought decorations etc. We were in such a happy place, literally building the foundation of my life I had always wanted, and he said he had always wanted, I think I will forever look back at that time even now after all the shit and feel happy, we were so loved up in our gorgeous little flat planning the rest of our lives. I feel like maybe he forgets all that now, and certain members of his family made our lives hell to be honest, everything was made difficult and a challenge. Either I wasn’t involving them in the wedding enough, but when I did they didn’t want to be involved, I am sure just your normal wedding drama but with some very vindictive, manipulative and hurtful things said and done and of course he did nothing because they over powered him. BUT anyway, as always, I was the bad person! 

Then one day, after we had been away for an amazing new year, out of nowhere, my entire world came crashing down. He just changed his mind, as simple as that. Now, he has been through a lot in his life, he had a tough childhood and went through a lot of shit, so I just don’t think he knows how to handle his emotions or deal with anything difficult. He’s a grown man with the emotional maturity of a tea spoon. He went to the wrong people for advice and re-assurance but unfortunately, they were out to sabotage anyone who was happier than they were at that current time. Even he would say “wow I did not need to ask her for advice”, but in the end, she did me a favour – I wouldn’t want to be stuck with him, imagine!!!! We had a pretty good life at that point, good jobs, great flat, lovely holidays, weekends away, so if he couldn’t handle planning a wedding (which I know is stressful, but let’s face it, he didn’t have to do a lot to help!) what would have happened when things actually got tough?! We were about to look at buying a house, having a family – through IVF which I will tell you is a damn difficult journey, all he would have done is let me down, which is essentially what he did but thank god it was then and not after I became his wife! I do feel sorry for him to be honest, because I think he needs some help to process everything he keeps doing to people, I hope he gets it and no-one else has to be put through what he put me through. He doesn’t really have a support system to help him do that either because they have all been through a lot and they all probably need help, so they don’t help each other at all. Having said all of that, I actually do wish and hope he finds happiness one day, although if he could get kicked in the balls a few times on the way to happiness, that would also be great.