You Are Not Alone

This week I decided to do something a little different, and I am going to do a few entries like this as I carry on writing each week. Thought you guys might be a little bored of me now so thought I should bring in some fresh meat for you!  I was watching a Netflix docu-film the other day called “One More Shot” about an amazing couple in America who decided to video their IVF journey and the heartache they endured. It got me thinking that whilst my journey hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination, I have been very lucky. I had minimal symptoms from the injections, I had 1 round and it worked first time, I was able to use my own eggs etc so really it was pretty straight forward. IVF tends to be used in couples or people who have some kind of infertility, explained or otherwise, due to infertility being something wrong with how our bodies function to enable us to produce some lovely offspring, it often doesn’t get talked about enough. This is because people may feel embarrassed or ashamed of the fact their bodies can’t do something that we feel should come to us so naturally as humans, to reproduce! But I think we need to break that stigma, infertility affects around 15% of couples, which is higher than you think and so its only fair we talk about this more and make it less of a taboo subject, because guys and gals, you are not alone, there are plenty of us out there who go through hell to have a baby, lets talk about it, help each other and create an amazing support network for those who are about to embark on this scary journey!

This week I have had the pleasure of talking to my lovely friend Michelle about her IVF journey. In January 2008 a friend of Michelle’s had her first baby and so her and her other half decided to follow suit (she was 27).  After no success, followed by every test going they were told that Michelle’s tubes were blocked but no one knew why, and her partner had slow sperm, so they were referred for IVF - 2 rounds on the NHS.  Despite having treatment where it all started (Hammersmith Hospital) they suffered through 2 failed rounds. The couple then decided to take a break, move out of London and save up for private treatment.  They moved to the West Country, but unfortunately, the couple started having problems in their relationship. They persevere and went for treatment again, private treatment but at an NHS hospital.... Again, no success.

The heartache Michelle went through must have been horrendous, I can’t even imagine. Michelle told me more about her story;

“At this time, I was reading more about different treatments and hearing about a 'crazy clinic' in London where you were monitored daily. My friend went there and had twin girls.
6 months after our last failed round (at 34) my other half walked out. Things hadn't been great, and I'll never know how much the fertility issues affected us, but after 7 years we were done. What followed then was a time where the full realisation that I might never be a mother hit me. I might never meet anyone and be a lonely spinster all my life, 6 months after he left I started suffering with depression for the first time. Amazingly it was in this period I met my new partner. Someone who literally 'knows the worst thing about me and loves me anyway'.  We discussed IVF / adoption etc. We decided, 1 shot, at the best clinic, everything in, and that's it.The most stressful, amazing, hectic, wonderful, scary year of my life started last April. We went to the 'crazy clinic' in London. We live in Devon so it was a big commitment. 

We had to start a monitoring cycle which meant, 100s of blood tests, immune issues identified.  I took humira for the immune issues. They said I could start treatment at the end of August.
Due to where we live it was decided I'd stay with in laws outside London for the duration. I was 10 days late so that delayed starting, meaning major stress!!! But eventually we did get to start treatment! Treatment is individually tailored but for me was as follows :
Week 1
4.30am get up to take drugs  out of fridge
5.00am first injection of the day
6.00am second injection 
6.00am leave for central London
7.30am daily blood test
8.30am every other day scan
12.00-13.00 call from clinic with instructions - which drugs to inject and how much
8.00pm more injections 
Day 3: hysteroscopy 
Week 2: As above but have to stay in London for the morning waiting to see if a second blood test / scan was required. Second bloods / scans at about 2 pm. 
Collection and transfer all fairly standard. The biggest change came 2 weeks later - a successful test. (AAAHHHHH!!)
I had IVIG during week 2 - this was a 3-hour transfusion of immune suppression material and then back to daily tests and monitoring, more IVIG. I had my first scan at 5wks.
All of the above was mostly without my partner as he was working back home. We were prepared for being separated during treatment but hadn't anticipated how hard and how lonely I would find it. I also didn't expect to have 2 and a half months of continuing monitoring, treatment and appointments even after I finally got my big fat positive! 
Eventually the tests and scans reduced to weekly and I could go home. There followed a period of weekly, then fortnightly, then 3 weekly visits to London for 9.00am blood tests.  3 weekly visits for IVIG and constant monitoring to ensure my body didn't reject the baby. We'd saved enough to get pregnant but hadn't anticipated the ongoing cost of immune treatment, 1 round of IVIG is £2k and I had it every 3wks until 12wks and even then, stopped earlier than recommended as we couldn't afford more. I also had Progesterone injections to 12 weeks, Clexane to 34 weeks. Even when I was living back at home the 6hr round trip plus trying to work etc wore me down and exhausted me.

During the first trimester I was diagnosed with depression, had time off work and was put on anti-depressants.  In the second trimester my relationship was pushed to breaking point! think most of it for me is driven by expectations, and possibly the money side. Last Jan we moved into a fixer upper, but have no money to fix up, so all down to the other half (he's very handy) and it left me feeling useless as I couldn't do much once pregnant and stressed him out as he felt all the pressure. We haven't had a good blow out since last May, I'd have tried for another festival or weekend away late August while we could, to really switch off but we just couldn’t afford it. We effectively lived apart for 2 months while I was having treatment and he commuted to see me at weekends, we weren't allowed sex for 3 months either. This thing we wanted, but I guess I wanted more, had taken our closeness and we struggled to get it back.  Some of that was circumstance and some was us getting into a routine of protecting ourselves to the detriment of the other because we were both going through it but on our own separate journeys too.

It's all those little things, having to do all my injections, including in the bum, even when they hurt, even when they bled. It took something from me. Plus, he needed to work, so had to be away, he also hates needles and I'm not sure I'd have let him anyway, but the fact that he didn't do any of the injections meant he wasn't physically going through it with me made me feel more alone. And then when I came home, I was still hormonal and tired and probably held myself away, as did he so the distance just grew. 
I would say it’s taken the whole pregnancy to get back to where we were before IVF, though now we are also more aware of each other’s limits. The pressure it puts on you as a couple is not something that is spoken about but is something so common. 

I'm now 38 and >10 years after first deciding it was time for a baby, 37+3 weeks pregnant, almost off the meds and my relationship is going well again.  Whatever your story, IVF is not the easy route and I think the emotional impact is often misunderstood and under-rated.”

WOW, just wow. Michelle, you are a hero, an IVF warrior and an incredibly strong lady, thank you so much for sharing your story with me and my readers. I hope this has opened some of our eyes to the major struggle, emotionally and physically going through IVF puts on us and our relationships! I honestly have so much respect for everyone who is either on this journey, considering this journey or has done this journey because bloody hell it takes some doing, I was going to say balls, but lets face it, they are fragile as shit, you want to see some strength, look at a vagina, might not be pretty but my god it can take a pounding!